Everyone has times of difficulty, tribulations and secrets in their life. As people, we are made of both light and dark, and the journey of life has us travel between times in each, and at every stop we collect a little to carry forward with us. So at any point in life you could look down at yourself and realize you’re carrying the weight of your past experiences, and some are bright and delightful, dancing around and eager to be seen, and there are also the dark shadows that we desperately try to hide. We push down, cover up, deny and hide from our demons, our struggles, our destructive behaviours, our mistakes, guilt and pain. We try to hide it from ourselves and from everyone else. The world is built in a way to support this process – to pretend and deny. We live in a world where there is an assumption of how long things should take to heal, how much crying is sufficient, how we are supposed to react and feel. There are endless books on the rational breakdown of emotional stages, the steps to recovery, the journey to appearing better. There is a pressure on people to keep up appearances, to still present themselves according to local cultures’ ideal of adequate, to still share and care and laugh and joke around. We are living in a world that encourages us to heal on the outside as soon as possible. Fix the surface, brush it off and go on as you did. Get over it already and man up and carry on regardless. Fake it till you make it. Try and act normal, pretend you’re okay and show your face.
But what does that actually achieve, this healing from the outside? We are pressured to keep moving at the pace we were going at despite the bumps in the road, we are given little grace to recover from catastrophes, there is an expiration date on compassion and support. So we are swept up in this bizarre game, because everyone is playing it, and we pretend things are fine. We convince the people who don’t care, then we convince the people who do, and then we convince ourselves. We trick ourselves into forgetting that there was something dark and painful and uncomfortable in our lives. We turn our attention and energy away and focus on forgetting and acting out our roles. We forget there was anything to even hide, we are so well trained at it, and then we smile, and share, laugh and joke around. We accumulate possessions and stories and a lifetime of memories. We force ourselves to continue down the path we thought we were destined for, and blind ourselves to any signs it’s not exactly right. We do not accommodate for our own discomfort, regret, shame or anger. We turn our backs and look forwards with a smile, taking as much enjoyment from life as we can from that position, just like everyone else.
But just because we don’t look at the darker stuff doesn’t mean it will slowly decompose and erode itself away. It’s not going anywhere. It stays, heavy and hidden, the forgotten burden we shoulder that sets us off balance. Because we don’t look at it, we can’t see want it’s doing, where it’s influencing, what impact it’s having on our choices, ideas and sense of self. The darkness seeps into everything. Its sets in and infiltrates the mind, body and spirit. It pollutes our world. The silent killer of bright eyes, real laughter, true honesty and genuine trust. It corrodes the world we build on the outside, from the inside. Because when you just fix the outside, and forget that you did it, you never spend the time needed on fixing the inside. The surface looks good, and you don’t expect the inside to be rotten – but it is, the darkness festers in its own denial and betrayal.
Instead, we would be better to take the time to look at the darker side of ourselves, to pull the shadows into the light and observe them for what they truly are. To stop the game of acting okay to make others feel better, but actually try and help ourselves get better. Look at the pain, the anger, the grief and loss. Find the root, explore your choices and motives and influences, uncover the cause and take its power away. Face your fears, and own your life, accept you are imperfect and your flaws make you real. Spend the time and energy on fixing yourself from the inside out. Look at the darkness and then release it back into the Universe, rather than ignore it and carry its poison your whole life.
Lighten the load. Be true to yourself. Heal from the inside out, and the surface will heal for itself. Never pretend things are better than they are to yourself, or to those who love you. Don’t forget your pain, but embrace it and it will diminish.
Heal yourself, love yourself, be yourself, share yourself.
tonightatsunset 